Fear at Its Best

Fear.

Now what is that?

I always thought that there was nothing to fear,

But fear itself.

Now, I wonder.

I know that I should never be afraid of something,

Should attack it head on,

With an open mind and heart.
But I am genuinely afraid this time. My fear is of the unknown. Not spiders, enclosed spaces, or heights. Although it feels like I'll have a mountain to climb.

This whole year (being '06) has been about change. Change in people, change in friends, change of heart, change in family, change in faith, change in outlook. School has changed, home has changed, life has changed. Last year, we said goodbye to a great grad class. We said hello to summer. What a summer. I gained so much from it, and lost so much more at the same time. Then it was back to school and I felt like i'd lost even more. Last year's grads are sorely missed, it makes life at KV much different. And then when I start to look ahead, I am scared. Fear at its best has got a hold on me. It's unknown, what will happen. But based on what I know, losing another year of grads is going to be harder than ever. And another summer like the one just passed? I don't know if I can stand to lose that much again. A friend, a family... enough to last a lifetime. I know I changed a lot. For the better, and for the worse. But I am afraid of how much change can do to you. I wonder if my determination is strong enough for me to hold on. I contemplate what will happen between now, and when my best friends leave, and when I become the best friend. The grad. And then when I become the best friend that leaves...

What is personality when it doesn't match your person?

So yeah, this is more about the personality test Mr Howe did with us in English class yesterday because I seem to be most confused. Well, not so bad as Kate or Andrew... Yes, while Kate may have two ties, Andrew has ALL FOUR! Gee.... anyway.
This personality test that we did is called the Myers-Briggs personality test and you can find a whole whack of information on it at www.personalitypathways.com.
There are four different categories and each are divided into two, in which you are one or the other. So, when you are finished you should have a four letter combination which is your "personality type."
The first two choices are Introvert and Extrovert, or "I" and "E". On the 70 question quiz we got, there were ten on introverts and extroverts and I answered 7 of them with an introvert tendency. Which, makes absolutely NO sense to all of my friends. Makes perfect sense to me though... I have always known I was an introvert, because I work well alone, I tend to think to myself, contemplate, don't need others to get by. But I also love to be an extrovert, which is mostly what my friends see in me. The bubbly, hyper, tell everything girl that loves to laugh and be crazy. Because when Mr Howe was explaining extrovert he said this person tells everything about their lives to all of their friends, gets their energy from other people. In some ways that suits me, and in others, it doesn't. I have always been an open person, which tends to be my extroverted side. I love to talk. But I love to be alone to regenerate and relax. I need my "me" time.
The next two choices are Sensing and Intuitive. I was very close with these. Out of 20 I chose 11 as intuitive or "N" and 9 as Sensing or "S". Mr Howe described this part of the personality as "how you gather information from the world". Sensing people use, hey, what do you know, their senses. They notice if the colour of a room has changed and if a person is wearing something different to what is usual and the like. Intuitive people use their gut instinct and view of a situation to gather information and understand things that are going on. I really think that the numbers I got in these categories fit because I can easily see myself leaning to one or the other in any given situation.
The third choice was between Thinker and Feeler, or "T" and "F". I was a definite feeler in this one. 15 to 5. In Mr Howe's explanation thinkers are the "black and white" type. They see things as right and wrong and that's that. When making decisions They often go into engineering careers and the like. Feelers are swayed by emotions when making decisions and in careers they would probably deal with people. Feelers make decisions with their hearts while Thinkers make decisions with logic.
And last but not least, judging and perceiving, "J" and "P". I was a DEFINITE judging personality in this one because it was 18 t0 2. heh. Judging people are detail oriented, like guidelines, organization, and often math. (teehee). They tend to be the people that will to the bulk of the work and make everything look good. Perceiving people like to be the managers of the world. They are the ideas people and will probably end up telling all of the judging people what to do.
All in all, I am slightly confused. I see some of everything in myself, although some is slightly more prominent. (Just slightly. ;)) Well, I guess we are all everything, no matter what. We have tendencies sometimes I'm thinking, and sometimes we want to and do go against those. And sometimes I think that this is just another personality test. We can never truly judge a person's personality by some questions, because we are all unique.
I'll leave you with the description of the personality combination I am:

"Without introverted intuitives, it is said that Israel would have had no prophets. Under deceptively conventional appearances lie perceptive minds that travel the breadth and depth of universal mysteries, contemplating its multilayered complexity, seeking the trends that will define the future. With time, clarity of vision comes. When it comes, they are propelled towards the vision and all their actions lead to it. They are perseverant behind a quiet exterior and will often come back with their vision long after everyone believes they have let it go.
What they see is so clear and obvious to them they are often surprised to find that others cannot see it as well. They may find it difficult to articulate the necessary steps towards implementation or to explain how each goal fits into the larger picture.
Their mind usually travels from the past to the future, seeking to fit a particular situation in a large context. It picks up patterns, symbols and images from different seemingly unrelated fields, identifies similarities and provides meaning. This can help solve problems by juxtaposing ideas, finding analogies or simply by rooting out the quintessential reality, discovering the origin in universal stories and human experiences, culling wisdom from the infinitely small to the infinitely large. Their mind naturally travels from the microcosm to the macrocosm.
They regularly have to face the difficulties of bringing dreams into reality. The time and effort it takes is always more than what their intuition initially suggested. They are determined, perseverant, inspired and often see things just around the corner, into the near or far future." - Danielle Poirier, www.rebeleagle.com, Rebel Eagle Productions.

The Land Between Consciousness and Fuzz...

Well, now that I am on the other side of the sedative, life is grand! Went to doctor crafts today, majorly stressed because I HATE needles... Anyways. First, before I get into that I have to tell about all of my day. In English class this morning Mrs Mawer had Mr Howe come in to talk to us about personality and do this personality test thingy. It was really cool. Found out that I am an introvert but i love to be extroverted. How strange is that? Like, everyone was like, I can't believe you're an introvert! And when Mr Howe was explaining the difference, and he described extroverts, every one was like Becca, your brain has something seriously wrong with it! You are so not an introvert. You must have answered those questions majorly wrong. It was quite funny. Actually, with the four different parts of personality all together, I was the only one of my kind! Thumbs up for uniqueness! All the way!

So that was a good class. The rest of my day kind of went by without me needing to be there, well the morning anyway, because in french class M Stefani was just doing conditionnel tests and then we watched surprise surprise on tv... and then in music Mr B was in a whole kerfuffel because his mother was being rushed to hospital in an ambulance and they thought she had a stroke and everything... I felt so bad, Mr B is having quite the hard time lately. So we got to do whatever we wanted all period and I ended up reading for most of the time after having exhausted meaningful conversation topics with Katie. My book is currently the most amazing thing ever and is my best friend for the time which i will be spending most of my life on the couch with an ice pack. It would be the most amazing thing ever anyway, because you have no idea how many times i exclaimed random thing out loud in music class today either from anger, horror or anguish while reading. You don't believe me, ask Katie. She was yelling at me because she is reading the book before mine and has no want to know what the hell is happening. All in all it was a good class.

And then at lunch I was supposed to be at five places at once but only ended up going to two. At twelve thirty I had a VY meeting which i went to, and as it turns out, I get to tape the girls Rip Seely game wednesday! I was going to be going anyway with Katie and it's going to be so fun! I haven't watched good basketball for AGES. Then I was supposed to be at an info meeting for House Committee for Romeo and Juliet but I decided not to go because the show is only three nights and the first night i have dance which i don't want to miss because I'm already missing it tonight because I really didn't think it would be a good idea to spin around all that much while still having gauze in my mouth and freezing that makes my mouth numb.. And then Friday I'm supposed to be doing something with Andrew and Saturday was supposed to be the night that I went to see the play with Mom, so really, qu'est-ce le point? Anywho.. on with my lunch hour. I was also supposed to be at Renaissance at one o'clock to count pennies (I found that out from Trish) but i decided not to go because counting pennies is like watching paint dry and also because I had better places to be. I was also supposed to be at Reach practice, and sadly couldn't go. Would have been a ton of fun because it was a returning players practice, but what can you do? C'est la vie. I ended up spending my lunch hour in the band room with the rest of the choir people watching them eat (tear i wasn't even allowed to drink water!!!) and get ready for the Rememberance Day assembly. It went extremely well, I think anyway, and the video they showed of all the veterans was really touching. I enjoyed myself, and my singing wasn't so bad.:) I am officially going to have to find the song Imagine by John Lennon because I love it.

So then the real fun began. Left school at two thirty to get to Craft's for three. They took me into this room where I lay on like this dentist chair or whatever you want to call it, and the nurse/helper/whateveryouwanttocallher was sooo nice! It was really a strange coincidence, because she asked what school i went to, and I said KV, and then she said what grade? And I said 10, and she's like do you know my daughter? Jenny Upham? I was like yeah! She's in my french class! And I did Fill the Void with her at Keely's! And then she's like, were you one of the ones i drove in my van? And then it dawned on me! I finally realized where I knew her from!! She had driven me kate samantha and kelsey back to keely's after we finished collecting cans from all of the houses. What a small world! She was so nice. So then there's another coincidence, Karen, from choir, she's in there too, getting her wisdom teeth out! And all the while im laying on this chair waiting for Craft to come knock me out and i can hear her mom starting to freak out because she's allergic to metals of some sort and she was worried about the stitches and the needle iv thing, and all this time karen was just like mom! stop talking! eventually all was well im assuming because craft came into my room and wow he is an interesting character. said hi. how are you. then listed off all the things that could happen to me "...although there is less than a one percent chance of THAT..." etc. and then said "are your veins easy to find?" that was it. then he stuck the needle in me, which wasn't bad at all (:D) and then Mrs Upham put somehting in my mouth, a bite thingy, so that my mouth would stay open while i was asleep, and then i felt the drug going into my arm, and I have to tell you, that was a lot more painful than getting the actual needle in. And then I have memory loss. I don't remember falling asleep. I just know that i did. And I don't remember waking up. I just know that I did. I dont exactly remember how I got to the little recovery room either. I slightly remember mrs upham being there, asking me if i was okay, and then helping me sit up. Strange feeling, that was... I was soooo dizzy. and then i held her arm while she helped me walk, all the while me trying to stay standing, and then she took me into the room and i just sat down on this bed thing. And then she gave me my tooth and said i could take it home with me and brought my mom in and told her all about treatment and painkillers and icepack and salt water rinse etc. then i sat there for like five minutes and then she changed my gauze and gave me a whole hunk of new stuff and got me to try to walk and i was fine without her help so we were free to go and that was it. Walked out of that place with the hope and good feeling that i will probably never have to go back. I mean, how many teeth can a person have out in a life time? that was my tenth, and im not hoping for more. Ah, well. It felt funny to talk because my whole right side of my mouth was frozen solid but no pain. Well, pain. but not in the mouth. My arm hurt. Strange, the way things work. My arm doesn't hurt now, and my mouth doesn't either! The freezing has worn off so I'm assuming I feel no pain because of the painkillers that are currently in my system. Two advil, and two tylenol one with coedine. My mom = pharmacist = totally awesome! Later, when I get hungry ( no, i am not hungry, and haven't eaten for nine hours. GASP! This cannot be me! It is not Becca Thomas here!) I'm going to have some Kraft Dinner. mmm. yay.:) And once I eat I am allowed to have the real painkiller, torydol. (no idea how that is spelled. my mother may be a pharmacist but that in no way at all helps me spell the things that she sees everyday.)

So yes. That pretty much sums up life up to date. oh, and if any band people read this, please tell me how much fun laughing at my condition was at band today!:D (Andrew told me how he annouced that you should all laugh at me and i personally would like to hear about it:P) Well, now I'm off with mère to go PAY FOR MY BRAND NEW SAXOPHONE!!!!!!!!! YES THAT IS RIGHT! MOM IS BUYING IT FOR ME!!!!
peace.(L)

Sweet Wondrous Awesomeness

That was wicked.
Just got back from my run, it was pouring. I feel sooo good. It was a long day at school and after that I am so refreshed. I got soaked to the bone, and then even more wet (but there was no way you could have told the difference) when i was too close to the curb and a car drove by and splashed me majorly.. went all over me. Felt great! It cooled me off, and i couldn't even tell the difference! I also ran through many a huge puddle and am currently drying my sneakers by the heater. That was awesome.
Oh and we got our report cards today and I am extremely happy, but I am no longer dwelling on my stupid english mark because of the run, helped me clear my mind.:)
Can't wait for the weekend, despite the fact taht tomorrow doesn't bode well. I have to skip lunch because getting my tooth out requires fasting! How will I survive?
See you on the other side of the sedative...(L)

Random Musings About Life in General

Tonight was my music night.

It was wonderful.

Played my new,

YES! new!

Sax,

And worked on some stuff for Belyea's class.

Really relaxed. Enjoyed myself.

Talked on the phone. Band today was really good too. Gave me a chance to clear my mind, because there is so much going on in it lately. This weekend is going to be soooo badly needed by the time I get to it, you have no idea. Even though I have to get that damned tooth out I am still going to be sooo happy when the weekend gets here. I NEED a break from school. It's going so slowly. Seriously, I thought today was wednesday ALL day. Anyway, band was awesome. I heart It's About Swing! Best song ever! So this Friday I'm going to go to parent teacher because I desperately need to talk to some teachers to see where I stand in this whole situation, even in the state of disarray that i will be in after getting that damned tooth out. And then after that i have to work on science project with Kate Katie and Sherry and they will laugh at my fragile state and it will be fun. Seriously, it will! And then that night i have to go out bed shopping with mom because dad forgot what kind of bed i wnated and if he doesn't order me one soon i am going to be bed-less at Christmas which basically means floor for me just like it did this summer but that is not so bad, it's jsut i would really like to be able to buy sheets and a duvet cover and stuff like that when i go out. Then Saturday I am hoping to be able to have Katie Stephen and Andrew over and they too will laugh at my fragile condition (katie for the second time) and it is going to be hilarious so I am going to have quite the time trying to suppress painful laughter.

Then Sunday is the regulars, church and youth. :). That should be really good, because we'll probably be discussing the youth service in Kingston that we had last Sunday, like the one we went to before, only this time we hosted it, at the same place the other one was at. I thought it went really well, but it would have been nice to have a chance to sit back and worship rather than leading all the time. The other service may have had music that I didn't know, and a speaker that didn't really know how to speak all that well, and it may have been slightly disorganized, but feelings are feelings, and facts are facts, and fact of the matter is, I felt closer to God then than ever before, and this service couldn't compare. The next one we are having is going to be led by us and other groups too so I'm really really looking forward to that because I will have a chance to play my music and to worship to. I'm excited about that.

Monday, oh look! Yet another day off school! YAY! Monday it looks like I may be going in town to Jessica Rhaye's studio. Mom found out about her from one of her customers at work; she is a graphic designer! So if all goes well I should be going to see her monday to talk about her job and what it's all about. I am so excited about that it is not even funny. I've already looked at her website and it is amazing, if you don't believe me just go there.. her voice is amazing too, there are song clips on the site: www.jessicarhaye.com.

But if that doesn't work out I think I am going to be home all day doing absolutely nothing! Not particulary looking forward to that but I am assuming that I will be able to plan something for that day later on. If not I think I'll be curling up with a book and my sketchbook, and perhaps my sax or the piano. Make it another creativity day or something of the like. Should be interesting, to say the least. Maybe I'll have some good old "us" time with my camera. She and I have been separated for so long, I should be getting back to my long lost love, photography.

Well, that's pretty much all that is going on in my life right now, tomorrow, school. Run. Andrews. Thursday, school, and I'll be singing in concert choir at the two rememberance day assemblies. Then it's off to Dr.Craft's office and the fun begins....

I can't believe I found this

Okay so today I was at Donald and Thomas' house and I was looking through this book of poetry that Donald had a poem in from his English class last year and he showed me this one by Jolene Bowland from KV, she graduated last year, and hers got top ten for grades ten to twelve, and it is absolutely AMAZING. Expresses my exact feelings, like she was talking from my heart, not hers. Anyway, i love it.


Intermission
Jolene Bowland

Bittersweet is this fragment of time
Between when I didn't see you and when I won't see you
For too many long, laugh-less days.
Seeing your eeyes again has temporarily blinded me from the darkness
That I know will return once you're out of sight.
Your lips have planted a familiar taste in my mouth
That reminds me of so many smiling memories.
Your touch burns, gently, drowning me into dreams of an imagined reality
I can only wish for.
My days with you are numbered by single digits
And labeled with big, bold, red letters that spell "safety," "laughter," and "love."
I almost dread seeing you today,
Anticipating tomorrows in your absence in which I'll writhe and drown
In tearless, soundless, frown-less cries.
Step into the room after August dies of a senile old age
And take me off of the dark and dusty closet shelf when September is young
And Autumn is holding summer's hand.
Better still, let's just forget the rules
And play during this much too short intermission.

Just Chilling

Hey all,
I'm just chilling here at the computer, think I may go and do some art. Painting, I'm thinking. I've been getting back into the creative spirit again. Now I really know what God can do for me, don't I? Works really I well, I should have tried it years ago. Anyway, enough of that rant for now. I feel like painting. I read A LOT over the past few days, and I've been having some just general me time. Painted my nails, listened to music, read, and now, I'm going to paint. Channel the creativity. No homework! And all of this, including band and dance class, are helping me (sort of) to blow off that damned seventy I got this morning on that damned short story test. Whatever. I feel good and that's what matters. Off to paint!
Love you
Becca