It's Been Forever, Yet Again.

So I've had so much schoolwork that I was pretty much going crazy. I had like three major breakdowns and was freaking about university applications which are NEXT. YEAR. Plus I had three art projects. Phew. Thank God they're all done. And it's almost Christmas! I go out to Calgary in five days, and Andrew comes out to me in ten. Been a lot of changes since the last time I've talked. I may not have a haircut yet, but I will soon, I'm getting bangs! Plus I'm getting new shoes - converse chuck taylors! orange ones! But those aren't big changes hah. Just cool ones. The awesome ones are the heart change, and the fact that I'm no longer a loner in the yearbook room. I love Wintersleep (they're a band) and I've outsmarted itunes. I can play Pirates of the Carribean on the piano, I love playing my new guitar, and I'm making a bag out of old clothes with the sewing machine. I've gotten rid of a bunch of stuff, one of my rooms is actually clean, and I've finished wrapping all my Christmas presents already. I'm not scared anymore, I haven't played Sims in like a year, and this is the first time since like october that I've been on the computer for over an hour. I read more than one book this week, and I've been taking the time out to write poetry. I was in the school play and loved every minute of it, I feel good about my body, and I think Individuality is cool. Skating is my new second favourite way to exercise and catch up on juice. I'm giving freerice (www.freerice.com) to hungry people, my dog and my camera are two of the loves of my life, and my friends and boyfriend mean more than anything to me. Two months can change a lot of priorities. I am Becca Thomas, artist.

To a Woman - A.M. Stephen

Who are you?
To one, you were a daughter
In whom he saw his own sunshine refracted -
an image in a drop of dew.

To one, you were a sister,
a weaker self.
Thinking of you,
he was a little contemptuous,
and a little proud.

To one, you were a sweetheart -
beauty incarnate to him -
a star that, following,
he became a hero and a poet.

To one, you were a wife.
Careful of his health,
prudent, useful,
you meant home to him.

To one, you were a mother.
He leaned upon you,
neglected you,
resented your vigilance,
and knew
that your love would not fail.

Yet,
these were but facets of you,
fragmentary gleams through windows
of the house which held your soul.

Teacher, artist, warrior,
ruler, merchant prince, and laborer,
a superb animal,
a strong and beautiful god -
these, too, you were -
a human being -
Man - the microcosm!

But we,
who saw only your sex,
passed you by,
blinded by the illusion
of separateness.

<3

I had an AMAZING weekend. :)

So I had the most amazing weekend ever. First, I got to stay at Andrews cause mom was away:) Then we went to a party on Saturday night and it was for Kara and Kristen's birthdays, and was costumes!:) I was a cowgirl and I had some sweet stuff that Nicole made for me which was rather fun ! So was the next day when we went to Andrew's camp and I had a picture taking fiesta with Kate's camera as mine got delivered when I was not home and got a damned yellow sticker on my door. I had the time of my life and I have so many memories:)<3>

I can't wait to keep on living life to its fullest.

Poem of the day:

Love Itself
By Leonard Cohen

The light came through the window,
Straight from the sun above,
And so inside my little room
There plunged the rays of Love.
In streams of light I clearly saw
The dust you seldom see,
Out of which the Nameless makes
A Name for one like me.
I'll try to say a little more:
Love went on and on
Until it reached an open door
Then Love Itself
Love Itself was gone.
All busy in the sunlight
The flecks did float and dance,
And I was tumbled up with them
In formless circumstance.
I'll try to say a little more:
Love went on and on
Until it reached an open door
Then Love Itself
Love Itself was gone.
Then I came back from where I'd been.
My room, it looked the same
But there was nothing left between
The Nameless and the Name.
All busy in the sunlight
The flecks did float and dance,
And I was tumbled up with themIn formless circumstance.
I'll try to say a little more:
Love went on and on
Until it reached an open door
Then Love itself,
Love Itself was gone.
Love Itself was gone.

Oh Happy day!

I've decided that since I've finally passed the halfway mark of the week and it seems I will pass all my tests and finish the insane amount of work that was set out for me, here's a funny poem for a good mood:) Belinda's Bash went awesome, and I ordered my camera yesterday! Officially shipped today. Let's cross our fingers!!!! *friday, friday friday* *please please please*

Wishes for Sons
By Lucille Clifton

I wish them cramps.
i wish them a strange town
and the last tampon.
I wish them no 7-11.

I wish them one week early and wearing a white skirt.
I wish them one week late.

Later i wish them hot flashes
and clots like you wouldn't believe.
Let the flashes come when they meet someone special.
Let the clots come when they want to.
Let them think they have accepted
arrogance in the universe,
then bring them to gynecologists
not unlike themselves.

Peace and love, b.<3

A good/bad day.

Maybe a poem will make me feel better.
Well, maybe not. This one's kind of depressing. But it's soo good.

Between Here and Illinois
By Ralph Pomeroy

When my father died
I didn't get my brother's telegram.

Tuesday, the day my sister called,
I wasn't home.
It was sunny at the beach.

On Wednesday I got up at eight,
drank a glass of cold Tropicana,
had raisin toast, instant coffee,
went to work.

The day my brother flew my father's body
from San Fernando to Illinois.

The rest of the week went by.
I was home all the following Sunday
because it was too cold to go swimming.

Monday, my sister reached me.
In the atmosphere of my office
I heard her voice, all the way from Michigan.

She said that the funeral was over.
She described the black vestements and white flowers.
She said that they had all missed me
and were wondering where I was.

If they had reached me
I could have flown from Illinois -
all the way from here to Illinois -
over all the graves that lie between here and Illinois.

So, my good/bad day. I don't know if i told you, but Saturday I found out that I cracked my camera's LCD screen. Today I found out that fixing it anywhere around here is going to cost more than the camera is worth. So, my father is checking around Calgary (because of course, everything is better there, *sighs*) and he will get back to me tomorrow. But he wants to get me a new one if the fixing isn't possible and he wants to get it from calgary and bring it to me from cincinatti when he comes in a MONTH. How will I last that long? I know, I know, I broke it, I pay the price. But why not buy it online and ship it here instead? Argh. He infuriates me. I can get it in 3-5 days from costco. If he would just agree with me, I could have it by the freaking weekend! Gosh.
And plus I had to find a picture for an art project today and I couldn't for the life of me find a good one, which was making me rather mad and then it just got worse when my dad called. BAH. But I am still super excited for this weekend with Andrew and I really want this week to be over because then I will be done my three huge tests. Peace out, study time. *upchucks*<3

Let's Pursue the Horizon

The weekend is almost over already.

I can't believe it. It's been a really good one, and I've gotten lots done though, so I don't feel like I've completely wasted my valuable time. But it does seem like no matter what I do, there is always more to do.

On Friday, I did a workout instead of going for my usual run because it was sloshing it down with rain. Seriously, buckets were falling at a time. As my friend Sean says, I wouldn't have been dry until Wednesday. At least it's exercise. Then I hung out with two of my wonderful Friday night friends. A warm fireplace, a few games of backgammon, homemade pizza, a wicked booksale, and some hilarious games of Disney Trivia. That booksale was incredible. So many classics - I bought eleven books for 12 dollars, including "Tom Sawyer", "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn", "Death of a Salesman", "The Oddesy", "The Iliad", (Sean would shun me for that) and many others. My mom also bought me a good few - "Sense and Sensibilty", "Rebecca", "Dracula", "David Copperfield" and "Great Expectations". She is saving a couple of them because my 18th birthday present is going to be a huge library of all the books that have held a place in her heart since she was my age, and a bunch of classics. I read so much, and these books have made me so excited that it is hard to imagine not being allowed to read them for another year and a half. The Disney trivia was a great part of my Friday night too. I realized that I really haven't watched that much Disney at all, and Kate beat Katie and I by a landslide in the children's version. But you know what? Kate lost at adult. Oh the joys.

Yesterday was painting day at school. In my homeroom english class we have a huge classroom which HAD a very ugly pink wall and some disgusting puke brown doors. They are now gone! Huzzah!!! I got my lifelong wish of painting a mural in the school realized, and we no longer have an ugly wall or doors. Pictures to come! I was at the school from 9:30 to 3. Then Andrew picked me up and we went to his house, which was a good time. Then we went out to see "Michael Clayton". It was a really good movie. I recommend it! Something that really sucked though was that when I got there I realized that the LCD screen on my awesome new camera was cracked... next weekend when I stay at Andrew's cause mom's going to Halifax we are going to his camp and I was going to take so many pictures... Anyway Andrew fixed my predicament because his family has a digital camera that he will let me use. But I still have to pay for some of the cost of getting it fixed, and nothing is better than my baby. Then after we went to see the movie, we went to Boston Pizza for desert because we had been on Wednesday but we were too full to eat desert but it looked too good to pass up. Andrew had New York Cheesecake with crazy raspberry sauce that was so strong it burned my throat and I had a bitesize maple blondie. mmmmm!

Today is the day to get things done. I decided not to go to church, and in turn finished my homework by one o'clock this afternoon. I am planning on going for a run when I finish this and I will be working on painting my writing desk and clealing up the horrbile mess that happened when I started living here again after the summer and has never really been cleared up. I have a long list of things I wish to do, including self-pampering, and I will see how many of them I get done. Tonight is youth group at 6:30! I'm excited to go, but it is sad because it will be my last one until probably fall play is over. Hopefully today will not be my last get things done sunday though, because everything piles up so much... I might be five feet deep in quicksand if that should happen! And here's your poem for the post. It makes me smile every time I read it. Don't get it? You're not the only one.

I Saw a Man Pursuing the Horizon
By Stephen Crane

I saw a man pursuing the horizon;
Round and round they sped.
I was disturbed at this;
I accosted the man.
"It is futile," I said,
"You can never-"
"You lie," he cried,
And ran on.

Love.<3

Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!:)

This is just a quick post because I really felt like blogging but what I really should be doing is trying to finish my book, Little Women, by tomorrow. And I leave in like twenty minutes for dinner at friends'. I've had an amazing five day weekend and I am dreading going back to prison. Er, school. I have that damn history project to present and ping and pong is due wednesday. Hrm. I will deal. Oh and I wanted to mention that I've found a crapload of awesome poems, so I'll be doing a poem with every post now:) Peace.

Wow.

It seems like you never really know how thick your hide is until someone tries to throw a rock through it. I was just walking the dog and these three boys were in this pack walking toward me, talking. I put my sunglasses over my eyes and just tried to carry on as usual, but you know the feeling when that happens. Anyway, they passed by and I turned my ear to their conversation. One of them was saying "...no legs. You can't take a dog for a walk if it doesn't have legs." And I kept walking, kept going, but it felt like I'd been slapped in the face. It stung. My eyes burned, but I held it in. They're assholes, I thought to myself. But assholes or not, I was affected. I think I need a workout for my emotional barriers. They need to be stronger. But do I really want that? Whatever. I love my dog. A walking her can be a beautiful thing.

New Year, New Inspiration

I'm back to poetry.

It's kind of like a window opened up for me in the form of my new English text book.
Speaking of English, it's amazing. We write so much... it is even pushing me to start writing my book again. The time is coming...

Anyway, poetry has caught my eye again, and it's coming to be something I really admire.

So this is a poem we read in English class the other day, by Leonard Cohen. My teacher is focusing on him for a little bit. And yes, we do have to listen to his horrible singing. But the words.. oh the words. They are amazing.

For Anne
By Leonard Cohen

With Annie gone,
Whose eyes to compare
with the morning sun?

Not that I did compare,
But I do compare
Now that she's gone.

Just love it.
So.. haven't written in 10 months. Wow. Well, I did end up getting into Aladdin, in a roundabout way. And band trip '07 was the time of my life, a long with prom, with the love of my life. Summer was interesting. Not sure I really want to remember some of it, but it is over, anyway.

Now a month of school is over already and I'm back to the Thanksgiving long weekend again. After a week of self-discovery, I now know something important about adolescence. It's not all bad, you just need to be an optimist, and going around driving your standard car and thinking positively until it's all better (thanks Andrew). <3

Christmas is coming up so fast, and it's going to be the best one yet. I feel like a little kid again, it's the first time in a while that I've flipped avidly through the Wish Book more than five times, and my list is getting fairly long. I need to realize that I shouldn't get greedy and that mom wants a new address book and a steering wheel warmer.

Oh and Youth this year is amazing. It's too bad that I'm going to have to miss a couple for Fall Play rehearsals. Seriously, I have learned more and had more fun in three weeks of youth than in all the rest combined. Shane is amazing. This is going to be a year that I will never forget.

Hah! Fall play. I did it all by myself. Landed two characters at the same time. (So did pretty much everyone else). But I am proud, and when you come see The Laramie Project, you'd better beware, i'm going to be quite the judgy judge and a very inconspicuous anonymous.

Alas, it's getting late. (That makes me think of Harry Potter! Oh, how I loved the last book... That I got in ENGLAND! bahahaha..) I need some sleep. So that I can sleep in tomorrow morning, as I DON'T HAVE SCHOOL. Bahaha. But I DO have my damned history project with Kate. Eff.

Love.
I'll be back this time.

So It's Been Two Weeks

No longer stressed!!!!!
*does happy dance*
This is wonderful:)
I finished all my exams. English was a piece of cake. SO easy. She gave us a bonus where we had to write the caption for a Herman comic. It was two cavemen running away from a t-rex with two arrows in its neck. I still think that the best one was Kate's, "Jurassic Park Meets Lord of the Flies". Mine was "Are You a Hungry Man?"
French was easy but it had some really retarded multiple choice (then again, so did english).
Then on Wednesday Katie Jill and I did our music performance and I messed up but it was okay. Then yesterday was the last exam, math. It was really easy and I think I did pretty well:)
I'll be finding out about musical soon too so that's good. Audition went pretty well.
I haven't been on here in so long! It's because I've become addicted to other things. Coughs.
Today is going to be the best day ever. I went to the gym this morning (I MUST TELL YOU ABOUT THAT!) later though... time crunch.
I'm going to go score bball in like ten minutes, and then I'm going to go get a CELL PHONE! (yet another story). Then I go to the airport... (again) and then come home for supper and go over to Katie's with Kate and Sher and we're going to play an apparantly very strange game.
Anyway.
Time crunch is very crunchy.
Love.

So I'm a Complete Idiot

So...

I think I just royally messed stuff up.

I'm a complete and total idiot and now I have to pick up the pieces.

Maybe it's not going to be as bad as I think.

Maybe it will all come together.

I really don't know if any of that is true.

I do know that I'm going to have to work hard, either way.

I feel terrible.

I want to make everything better, and I know that if I try eventually things will be like they were. But my stupidity made things be not like they were and that makes me angry. I was so blind to everything that was happening, so unknowing, that I let life float by me and happen without my knowing. Maybe it was good that I got such a slap in the face, maybe it was good that I realized now and not earlier, maybe it was good that it hit me so hard, because maybe it will make me realize how much there really is there that i could lose.

God knows I'll hold on tight. But let it not be so tightly that I lose everything. And pray that everything works out. Pray for forgiveness, for understanding, and for love.

Stress Leave

Well, It's been a while. Christmas in Calgary was good, and having Kassy back here was even better! We went to four parties lol! Andrew's on New Year's Eve which was awesome, mine the day after which was awesome too, we watched Donni Darko!!! Best movie ever. Then we had Reach party on the third, and James Carvell had a karaoke party the next day which turned into karaoke, ultimate dreamland, irving, and tom's house. Lol. It was really fun. Kassy likes most of mine and Andrew's friends which is always good:)
Now there's a ton of stressful things going on because Mom has something going on with her ear which makes her really dizzy, so she's not allowed to drive. It was worse when she couldn't move, but at least now she can help with the stuff around the house. Plus, I had to do our HUGE science presentation with sher kate and katie yesterday, AND my french speech! Both went incredibly well, which makes me happy:) Today is the last of my worries, musical auditions. I'm going with Andrew today at one i think. Singing The Riddle by Five For Fighting, doing the monologue where Wendy tells Otto he's stupid, and dancing the same dance that i was last year. Lmao I can almost still remember it:P But I'm nervous because I want to be in the musical so bad and especially because I didn't make it last year. I know it's partly because I was a grade nine girl, but still, what if I suck? Anyway, tonight I think I'm hanging out with Andrew so that will hopefully take my mind off of it. I hope I make it!!!
Then Sunday it looks like me vik and colin will be working on our English project. Then next week is exams! After exams everything will finally be over. No more musical to worry about, because after exams we find out if we made it, no course stuff to worry about for a bit, because it's a new semester, no huge projects, and even speech won't bother me because I'll know if i got to districts, and if i did, they're not until April! So... I have two weeks and then everything will be fine. As long as I get into Aladdin...
Bec(L)